If only
by Wiicodin
Summary: Charlie is clueless, but Alan struggles with the knowledge of Don's 'illness'.


**Disclaimer: Numb3rs belongs to CBS and the creators of this show; not to me. ... although I would die for a piece of Don Eppes. ;**

**And before you start reading this story: English is not my native language and this is also my first try at writing fanfictions.**

**So there will be lot's of mistakes; please don't be so hard with me. UU**

**If my crappy english is too much for you to bear, just click on the 'back' button and search for another Numb3rs fanfiction, **

**'cause there are some really good ones at this page.**

ooooo

**If only...**

**1st conversation**

"Hello, anybody home?", Agent Don Eppes called out as he opened the front door of his father's house, stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

_'No'_, he corrected himself with a small grin, '_it's Charlie's house. Right, my little brainy brother who's not even 30 yet owns a house while I'm still stuck with a small apartment. Life sure is hard_.'

With a smile still on his lips he closed the door and walked towards the kitchen.

The room was empty, although it was almost lunch time. He had assumed at least his father would be in the kitchen, preparing a meal. But nobody was standing at the stove, so Don took a few steps to the fridge and pulled out a small bottle of mineral water.

Taking a large gulp of the cold liquid, he turned around and walked back to the living room. There he let his glimpse fall on the couch table, where some books and papers lay scattered around.

Curious he bent down and closed one of the open books to read the title: _"Mathematics and Science Education around the World: What can we learn from the survey of Mathematics and Sciences opportunities and the Third International Mathematics and Science Study?"_

Shaking his head, he put the book back in it's original position.

'_Uh, nice stuff for a quiet evening. Beats every game on TV_.'

"Don!"

Startled, Don turned around and saw his father coming down the stairs which lead to the first floor.

"Hi Dad.", he greeted him and put again a smile on his lips.

Alan Eppes closed the space between him and his first born son with a few steps and put a hand on Don's shoulder.

"I havn't heard you come in; how long you're here already?"

"Ah, a couple of minutes. Not long, really.", he answered and with a nod of his head he pointed towards the mess on the table. "Seems that Charlie was in a hurry."

"You bet.", laughed the older man and began to pick up the papers. "Half an hour ago somebody from CalSci called, asking if Charlie could jump in for another professor who became suddenly sick."

He put the now neatly pile of papers back on the table and closed the books.

"He sure was out of the house fast.", he muttered more to himself than to Don. "Oh, do you wanted something from your brother?" Alan now looked up at his son with a sceptical face. "I thought you caught this guy with Charlies help..."

"Yeah, we did. And actually," began Don, "I want to talk to you, Dad."

Don's father studied the face of his son, who showed no expression what this conversation could be about. "Really? Well, in that case let's go into the kitchen. Somehow I get the feeling I could use a coffee."

Slowly, Don followed his father.

'_Somehow I get the feeling you will need something stronger_...'

ooooo

"You're sure you don't want a cup of coffee?" Alan asked while pouring himself a cup full.

"No, thanks Dad. I still have my mineral water." Don waved the little bottle and leaned his back against the fridge where he got the water from earlier. "Maybe later."

Alan carefully took a sip at his mug and made a face. "Hmm, later is not a bad idea. It's really hot."

At this, Don let out a small laugh and shook his head.

"I think I burned my tongue... this is nothing to laugh about." But the wrinkles around the eyes of Eppes senior showed no anger towards his son, who was still grinning.

With a sigh, Alan put the mug back on the kitchen sideboard, to let the coffee cool down a bit.

"Anyway, you wanted to talk to me." He watched his son who was toying with the water-bottle in his hands. Don's gaze was directed at the object he was holding and it was clear, that he struggled with the words to begin with.

"Dad...," he started finally, "do you remember as I told you, that every FBI-Agent has at least once per year a medical routine examination?"

At this, Don looked up and waited for the reaction of his father.

Alan Eppes' look was blank. He looked at his son, not knowing what to say. At the second the question left Don's mouth, a million thoughts began to form in his head.

Of course he knew about the medical examination. Of course he also knew that his son (although Don never wasn't very enthusiastic about visiting a doctor) went to medical examination regulary.

But in all the years, they never actually spoke about it, because there simply wasn't anything to speak about. His son was in perfect health. Except the few times Don caught a cold. Or the story with the chicken-pox as he was eight years old. He and his wife really had a hard time back than, because as soon as Don was well again, Charlie came down with it.

But now? Something was definitely wrong here.

"Don, what... what are you trying to tell me?" Alan's throat suddenly felt dry; he was afraid of what would come next.

Don pressed his lips together. He wished he hadn't had to do this. He doesn't want to hurt his father. Or Charlie. But he also knew, that there was no way around.

"Dad,", he began again. "please try to stay calm, will you?"

He smiled reassuringly at his father, knowing that the other man certainly won't calm down until he told him what was going on.

"Donnie...?"

"I... the Doctor, who exaimed me...he...", '_How am I going to tell him that!_', "he found something on my right kidney."

There. It was out. Don looked at his father who just stood there, his mouth slightly open; staring at his son.

Suddenly, he began to tremble and Don hastly went over to him.

"Dad.", he said and put both hand on his fathers shoulders. "Dad, listen. It..."

But Alan wasn't listing. He just stood there, trembling.

"Oh, God, please... please no. Not again. Please."

Don took his father in his arms as tears began to roll down from his eyes.

ooooo

15 minutes later they sat together on the couch in the living room. Alan had his hands around the coffee mug and was staring into the black liquid.

"So there is a chance that this tumour isn't malignant?" He spoke quietly, not looking at his son.

"A pretty good chance, to be exact.", Don looked with a reasurringly smile towards his father, although Alan's gaze was still glued on his coffee. "It hasn't invaded the kidney or any other organs and it has a... ah... 'clear border'. The doc meant, that this a good sign for a benign tumour..."

"But that isn't sure?"

"No, not yet.", sighed Don. Although he understood how his dad was feeling right now, he wished he would show a bit more confidence. "But it will be clear after the biopsy at friday."

Alan took a slowly sip of his now cooled down coffee and tiredly closed his eyes, to let the whole situation sunk in.

"What about Charlie?", he asked after a moment, without opening his eyelids. "What are you... we... what are we going to tell him?"

"Nothing.", Don answered with a determining voice. "No word to Charlie about this."

"He has a right to know..."

"No!", Don rose his voice, but immediatley regretted it as he saw the startled look on his father's face. "Dad, I am sorry. It's just... I don't want that Charlie knows anything about this situation. Not after the way he reacted to mum's illness..."

Don went quiet and Alan's face showed a sad smile as both remembered that time.

"It's okay, I understand.", the older man said after a while. "We won't tell him... at least not now. But..."

"I will tell him as soon as I get the result. Not sooner or later."

"What will happen, if this tumour is... well, you know.", Alan took in a deep breath and again a sad expression flickered over his face.

"It's no use to think about this now, Dad." Don patted his father's shoulder and rose from the couch. "But whatever will happen, please let me talk to Charlie."

"He will probably start this P vs. LP thing again..."

"It's P vs. NP."

"Ah, whatever."

"Don't let him hear that. He will give you a lecture about it the whole evening."

"Hey, my son can't even spell the word 'anomaly', so I guess it's just fair if I make once in a while a mistake too."

At this, both Eppes' men shared a laugh.

"Anyway,", said Don who was still grinning about his brother's horrible spelling, "I've got to go now."

"Now? What about lunch?", Alan rose from the couch too and looked at his son.

"I will eat on the way to the bureau. I've got my hands full with another case. You know, no time to rest for the FBI-guys.", he laughed and went to the front door, his father following.

"Donnie."

As he heard the worry in his father's voice, he turned around and gave him a hug.

"Everything will be okay, I promise."

Alan nodded and patted his son on his back.

"I really hope so, Donnie. I really hope so."

Don let go of his father and studied his face while opening the door.

"What about you? Will you be okay?"

"To be honest: I don't know. I guess not, until we get the result of your examination on friday."

Slowly they made the way towards Don's black SUV and Don opened the door of the drivers seat.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"This is not your fault."

"I know. It's just... I'm just sorry."

Alan held the car door open while the younger Eppes climbed in.

"Will you come home for supper this evening?"

"Depends on what you will cook."

"I was thinking about lasagna. It's a while ago since we had one."

"Sounds good to me. 7 p.m.?"

"Don't be late."

He closed the door as Don started the engine and slowly drove the car on the street.

"Please let him be alright.", he whispered as he waved Good-Bye. "Please let him be alright."

**Wow, congrats for reaching the end of the first chapter. ;**

**I have a few things to say now and I would be happy, if you would read them, too.**

**1. As I said at the beginning, english is not my native language. It's german. ****So I am sorry for any mistakes I made (and will make).**

**(I have no problems in reading/understanding english, but when I start to write it's like somebody stole all my knowledge. And my last english-lessons in school was... umm... around 2002/03. XD)**

**There are also still some passages where I am really far away from being satisfied, because they simply sound to 'short' etc. **

**Oh, and if you asking yourself why I havn't wrote this fic on german: that's because I need the practice and because I hate reading fanfics on german. Don't ask why. XD**

**2. About the story: I'm also sorry if I have offend anybody with the subject.**

**I have searched a long time for a fanfic where somebody is dealing with this theme; ****I mean, I really wonder what would happen, if Don gets the possibility of having a malignant tumour. Would he tell Charlie? Or even his dad?**

**Hmm, I guess he would wait until he got a final result and then tell his dad... but yeah for Alan angst, so not in my fanfic. ;P**

**3. Yeah, I said 'possibility'.**

**We all know that cancer isn't hereditary (1), only the possibility to get it.**

**And I say it here: I will not 'give' Don cancer in this fanfiction.**

**Only a benign swelling, nothing serious. I'm not THAT mean. ;**

**4. Unfortunately, I'm not sure when I will upload the second chapter (I've started it, but not finished yet).**

**I am a college student, and altough semester holidays will start very soon I do not know when I will have the time to continue.**

**Seriously, I could need a beta-reader. ****Unfortunately (again) I have no internet at my apartment, so I can only get online while I am at college or at my parents home. Both is not very often at the moment.**

**And I think, it would be very impolite to send my poor beta a chapter with a few words like "Correct this for me. Thanx!", 'cause I simply don't have time now to talk to him/her (probably her... writing fanfics is a girls thing g) about my mistakes, ideas and so on.**

**5. I confess: I really don't know if FBI-Agents have a medicalroutine examinations every now and then. Google wouldn't tell me. UU**

**So if this is not the case, forgive me my ignorance. XD**

**6. The title of the story is the name of a song from "Hoobastank"; the first passage goes: _I thought it wasn't wrong to hide from you, the simple truth, I was scared. / _**_**I'd felt it all along but it hurt too much for me to share...**_

**sigh I love this song.**

**(1) Hereditary? what kind of word is that? oÔ Never heard it before.**

**Wonder if I got a reliable dictionary... XD**


End file.
